Guilt and the Gospel

Last night, something happened to me on the way home from a women's study on Marriage.  It was something I prided myself on never having happened to me before.  It was something that will affect just about everything I do for the next few months.

I got a speeding ticket.

Like, a 19 mph over the limit speeding ticket.

Like, I'm going to have to appear before a judge in traffic court speeding ticket.

It was not a fun experience.  <--understatement of the century.

I was going down the hill, turning the corner, and using the momentum of the downward slope to help get me up to speed on the other side.  I was rushing to get home.  I wasn't paying attention to the speed change.  And I got pulled.  I saw the police car pull out behind me and thought "$@%#% I'm going to get pulled."  And sure enough, blue lights flashed on, I pulled over, and the officer, who was as polite and business like as ever, handed me the speeding citation.  I was expecting a fine and points on my drivers license.

I was not expecting a barrage of guilt.

How could you be so stupid? How are we going to pay for this ticket? How are we going to afford the jump in insurance? How are you going to face your husband? How could you? How could you? How could you?

All the way home, and on the couch, explaining what happened to J, the guilt kept coming.  And not just for that incident, but every time I've ever sped, every stop sign I've rolled through, every yellow-to-red light I've run, and every single time I have ever gotten angry at a motorist in front of me who was obeying the speed limit and not driving as fast as I want them to drive.  All my infractions kept mounting before me and I kept listing in my head all the problems that are caused by this one little ticket.

Guilt, my dear friends, can be a wonderful tool in the hands of God because it drives us to the cross.  Guilt makes us know just how far we have fallen short, how much we deserve this punishment, how greatly we have sinned.  And when guilt is followed quickly by the Gospel, it can turn into gratitude. But guilt can also be used by Satan to accuse us, to condemn us, to make us doubt God's mercy and blood-bought acceptance.  Guilt, when allowed to fester, can turn into condemnation.

So as I laid down on the heating pad on the couch (oh the joys of being 7 months pregnant), and J and I formed a plan of what to do at my court hearing in two months, I let guilt begin to fester in my heart.  I did not preach the Gospel to my self because I thought "This is a state matter, I did not break the law of God so the Grace of God cannot fix this.  I have to live under the shame of my wrong doing for the next two months until I can go to the courthouse and fix it myself."  Exhausted and ashamed, I went to bed.

Morning brought the alarm clock and the first thought that popped into my head was "SPEEDING TICKET" and in rushed the shame and condemnation, the accusing thoughts, and the guilt of what I had done.  But it was different this time, because what followed at the heels of the ticket was not a litany of traffic violations, but one of all the times I had transgressed before God.  Every time in the last two to three days I had been angry or proud or selfish or lustful; evil thoughts, hurtful words, unkindness, judgmental attitudes, all piled up before me and I saw with more clarity than I ever have before that all rule breaking is a sin against God.

But it is a sin that was paid for.

Jesus died for my traffic ticket.  Do you know how revolutionary that is? I do not have to suffer a weight of condemnation because of what I had done.  Jesus died for that.  And every time I have ever broken a rule and DIDN'T get caught, Jesus died for that too.  Every evil thought, every petty crime, every instance that I was not punished by the laws of men, I would have to stand guilty and condemned for that before the Father, the great Judge of all the Erth.  But I had a Savior who stood in my place, who took that shame, that punishment, that wrath, so I could escape.

And there is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 5:1

This is the beauty of the Gospel.  Whatever punishment or fines or trouble I have to endure because of this ticket are so minor in the face of what Jesus did for me they are almost laughable.  I have escaped from an eternal weight of wrath and into an eternal weight of glory and nothing I can do can drag me out from under the Grace of God.  I am free.  No more guilt.  No more condemnation.  No more punishment.  Jesus paid it all.  Oh how my heart sings!

My guilt has turned to gratitude.  That is the power of the gospel.

Daylight Savings Time

For those who know me, this will not come as much of a shock: I HATE Daylight Savings Time.  Like, with a passion.  I understand that there was a point in time when adjusting the working clock to enable factory employees daylight hours to garden seemed like a sensible thing to do.  But that time has LONG passed.  A majority of Americans don't need that extra time, or they work from home, or their working schedule is flexible.  The time change lasts a period of 8 months (Mid-March to Mid-November), much longer than the seasonal light and the traditional vernal to autumnal equinox period.  Energy is wasted cooling houses (especially in the south) for longer evening hours in the summer and for lighting dark rooms in the spring and fall mornings.  There are even studies out that show a dramatic increase in accidents the Monday following the time loss with no correlating increase in safety after the time gain.  I could go on and on and on about damaging effects that happen on other people.  For me personally, though, it's really hard to adjust my sleep schedule and takes me about a full week each time we have to do the DST change. 
I don't like it at all.
And don't start on the "I bet you love gaining an hour in the fall" bit.  'Cause I don't.  It messes up my sleep schedule for another full week and leaves me feeling in the lurch. 
I
Hate
DST.

Terrible, thanks for asking.
This vile loathing was made worse this morning by the fact that my iPod alarm clock for whatever reason set itself forward ANOTHER HOUR last night after it had already set itself forward an hour Saturday night.  So when my alarm went off this morning at 6:30 and I showered, dressed, got breakfast made and lunch packed, I looked up at the kitchen clock (an old manual one I had already changed over Sunday morning) and realized that my alarm really went off at 5:30 this morning. 
I had lost ANOTHER hour of sleep. 
And this morning I was dragging.  Work was lurchy.  I was hungry all day.  I couldn't think straight.  It was terrible. 
And it's really hard to be thankful for a computer glitch that caused me to lose an hour of sleep after the US Congress already made me lose an hour of sleep. 
But on the radio this morning, KLOVE started playing this:

It's Chris Tomlin's new song "I need You"
Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart
 
Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

And I was so overwhelmed by my weakness and my dependency on God and His Strength.  I need Him every hour, but I really need Him today.  When I am tired and weary and bitter towards my circumstances, I need Him. 

My One Defense, My Righteousness, Oh God, how I need YOU!

Potpourri

As a kid, my favorite category on Jeopardy was always Potpourri.  It was the stick-all-the-random-questions-here category, the junk drawer of Jeopardy, and it was inevitably the hardest category because the questions could range from cookies to cowboys to chemistry.  It was fun.  It was random.  It was a general collection of useless information.  And for someone who generally collects useless information, it was always my favorite. 

Think of this blog post as the potpourri of the last few days.  We're gonna go through some random stuff...

1) Today I have been pregnant for six months.  I am not as huge as I thought I could be at this point.  But my pants are getting uncomfortable and my shirts need to be longer.  So not quite tiny, but not quite huge.  Pretty good, size wise. 
2) Baby R is a KICKER!!!  If my waistband is too tight: kickkickkick.  If I'm leaning forward for too long: kickkickkick.  If I roll over to a different position at night: kickkickkick.  If I balance ANYTHING on my tummy: KICKKICKKICK. And ESPECIALLY when I have a full bladder and am on the phone at work and there's no possible way I'm getting to the bathroom anytime soon, kickkickkickkickkickkickkickkick.  If I don't see soccer scholarships in about 18 years, there will be retribution, is all I'm sayin'.
3) I realized that, because the baby is growing, I needed to increase my calcium intake and should probably be getting more fruit and vegetables in my diet.  I didn't help that Kroger had strawberries on sale 2 packs for $4.  Bright fresh sweet summer fruit in the middle of gloomy rainy windy February/March?  Yes and please
4) Thanks to Goldberry's Seven Day Smoothie Challenge Blog Post Series, I started drinking smoothies with lunch at work.  I did this instead of at breakfast for two reasons: 1) I need my morning coffee and having two drinks for breakfast would just not work and 2) it keeps me fuller longer if I have a smoothie in the middle of the day. 
5) Strawberry Banana Smoothies are delicious.  If pink could have a flavor, it would be strawberrybanana.  Yum.
6) I now own a green tumbler from the WalMarts.  Isn't it pretty?

7) I also bought a small electric heating pad for my back because six-month-old Baby R is giving me back pain and sciatica.  The little dear.
8) Sciatica is NO FUN and I really am empathizing with all the people who have to suffer with it daily, rather than it being brought on and limited to the duration of a pregnancy.
9)  I ordered some fabric from Fabric.com and am super pleased with how quick and easy it was to order from them. And their prices are fabu!  So so so so much cheaper than Jo-Anns (even with coupons) and by combining orders for three different projects, I got free shipping.  Awesomesauce
10) Those projects are:

This Maxi Skirt

Some form of this A-Line Skirt

A cover for our entry way bench modeled after the above (just no bunnies)
11) I have no idea when I'm going to find time to do these projects, but hopefully long before the baby arrives because I really want to wear those skirts and they would be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo comfy as maternity skirts.
12) J and I are going to plant blueberry bushes this weekend. 
13) We are also celebrating my Grandma Dot's 87th Birthday.

Isn't she the cutest grandma ever?
Happy Birthday Grandma!
And on that note, we shall end Potpourri. 

DIY Sandals (Made from Cheap Flip Flops)

So one of the biggest challenges facing me with this pregnancy is what to wear to work while I'm getting more rotund and less comfortable.  While the winter months have meshed well with my nonexistent and then slight baby bump, summer offers skirts and empire-waisted dresses to cover the growing swell.  But shoes become a problem.  My current fave shoes are dansko clogs; big, comfy, clumpy shoes that do a great job giving me foot support and a lousy job looking cute.  And they will NOT work with summer dresses.  Ballet flats, while looking great with skirts, are not so very nice to my swelling feet and ankles and, lets be honest here, summer = open toed shoes.  I need sandals.  

But sandals have three major problems: height, flip-floppeing and price.  Because the high shoes, while offering enough cushion to help my lower back, are not good for my balancing abilities.  The thinner shoes, on the other hand, offer no cushion at all.  Cushy sandals of a good height are inevitably flip flops (a HUGE no-no for the office).  And the perfect combination of low heel, cushy, non-flip-floppy sandal are usually $60-80+.  Not that I'm faulting the designer or shoe store, they gotta make a living too, but I am not plunking down that kinda moolah on a few strips of faux leather.  

 

And with the vast creative design of Pinterest at my fingertips, I went forth on a quest to find a way to make a cheap pair of nice looking sandals.  The results: zip. At least, zip for what I'm looking for.  All the ones I found involved wrapping ribbon or leather straps around the existing foot strap, making a pretty flip flop, but a flip flop none the less.  Further searching led me to this picture and hope!

This is what I wanted! A convertible sandal that has the basic sole of a flip flop but can be tied in such a way that the footwear neither flips nor flops.  But, alas, my hope was short lived.  The Pin led me not to a tutorial, but an Etsy site.  And these pretty sandals are 1) discontinued and 2) EXPENSIVE!!!!! (Granted, they are hand made out of beautiful leather and organic cotton straps and if you want a beautiful pair of flat sandals and are worried about your Eco-impact, please support the seller and buy here.) 

So here is my attempt to recreate these beautiful shoes using el-cheapo parts of the Wal-Mart variety.  

 

(First, please let me apologize for the crappy quality of these pictures and how dark it is.  It wasn't until I was done that I realized a black cord on a black flip flop on an espresso couch in low light would not make the best tutorial pictures.  If I ever repeat this process with lighter flipflops, I solemnly swear to post better looking pictures) 

 

You will need: 

• An exacto knife
• Scissors
• Yarn or tapestry needle
• Pliers
• Super glue
• Marker that will show up on the sole of your flip flop (silver in my case)
• Something thin (but not necessarily sharp) for poking
• 3 yards of double fold bias tape PER SANDAL (6 yards total)
• 70 inches of thin cord.  I found a pack of waxed shoelaces, each was 27" long and I used 2.5 of them.  The point is, you need a thin, strong cord that can be threaded through your needle and will stand up to walking around all day.  
• You also need flip-flops.  

 

I found mine at Old Navy, which sells two pairs for five dollars. I intend to make two pairs of sandals, one black and one brown, but the tutorial only shows the black.  Okay, got your stuff? Lets begin. 

 Cut the existing straps of the flip flop at the toe and ankle and pull the plugs off the bottom. 

Mark about where you want your loops to be.  We are going to "sew" the cord on either side of these marks, so if you don't mark it perfectly, that's okay, you can adjust.

Thread your cord through the needle and knot the other end.  My waxed shoelace formed a really tight overhand knot, so I really didn't need to do anything fancier.

Push the needle from the bottom up back by the heal.  You will need your pliers to force the needle and thread through the plastic.  This takes a lot of effort.

Go about an inch down the shoe towards the toe and push the needle back through.  You don't need the top loop all that tight.  A little bit of give will help you later when you pass your ribbons through the loops.

Back on the bottom, position your needle about a 1/4" along from where you came down from the top and then push your needle only half way through the plastic.   

Take the exacto knife and cut a shallow incision connecting where the cord comes out and where the needle goes in.

Push the needle all the way through and then use your poky instrument to jam the cord into the slit.  This will protect it from wearing too fast when you walk. 

Repeat steps 5 and 6 until you have four top loops, with the cord ending up on the bottom.  Tie an overhand knot and cut the string.  Repeat down the other side of the shoe.

For the toe anchor: push your needle through the thin rim of plastic that would stop the plug from popping out the top of the shoe.  Make a smallish loop and press the needle back down to have the two tails on the other side.  Overhand knot these two together and then pull the loop up the top, so that the knot is tucked into the existing hole.

Thread your bias tape in the desired manner.*
And you're done!

* I chose to fold my bias tape in half one more time and sew it shut after making this tutorial.  It looks more like ribbon, it's a bit thinner, and I think it'll hold up longer.  This is personal preference.  If you like the wide look or want to use ribbon, that is your choice and it'll still work fine.  

One last thing: I was thinking I needed superglue to fill in the incisions where the cord got tucked in, this is optional.  If you want to, do it.  If not, no worries.  Now, practice ways to lace your new sandals.  

Please ignore my pasty-white, pregnancy-swollen feet.  *You* will look fabulous!

Constant Change is Here to Stay...

Years ago, my Grandma went to England and brought back a charming little saying: "If you don't like the weather, wait 30 minutes, and it'll change."  I am feeling that way now.  Just this week, we have had days of 60F, 20F, Rainy, Sunny, Windy, Sleeting, Calm and everything in between.
But between you, me, and the bunny, I am ready for some summer sunshine, warm (read: HOT) weather, flip-flops, swimming, frappes, and BBQ's.  So to hasten on the changing seasons, I'm updating my template from the cold-snowy-rain-with-a-mountain blog to bright, green, blue and purple, springtime shot.  And maybe, that'll get me through the rest of February (and some of March) before the sun is out and the daisies bloom.

Has it been 30 minutes yet? 

Registering for a Thankful Heart

A long time ago (beginning of January) in a galaxy far, far away.........in a place called my In-Laws House, my wonderful, kind, sweet, could-not-ask-for-a-better-one Mother-in-law, K, asked how my baby registry was going.
Insert theme from Psycho here
Baby registry? As in baby STUFF?!? As in, OHEMGEE IM GONNA BE A MOMMY AND ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW ARE SIX PAIRS OF BABY SOCKS AND A STAR TREK BABY SPOON!!!!!!  This led to me furiously reading countless blogs to try and figure out what, out of the myriad of baby things, I needed for Baby R.  And then I pretty much panicked and went into denial.
Oh a registry? Yes, I suppose that is a good thing....and I'll get around to it..................sometime before June.  I hope.
Fast forward to mid February, me getting horribly throwyuppy sick, staying home and flat on my back for nearly 48 hours and getting cabin fever.  J suggested we at least go out to get one of those big fluffy body pillows (best invention since the mattress) and, since we were out, let's at least look at some baby stuff.  So we went to this store called Buy Buy Baby, which is essentially Bed, Bath, & Beyond, for babies.  The store is laid out exactly the same.  Some of the items are the same.  It was weird and strange and wonderful all at once.  But because it was not located all that centrally or conveniently to, like, anybody, we didn't register there.  But we did look.  And, me oh my, is there a lot of baby crap.  Oy vey!
Since then, I have been cobbling together two registries at Tarjhay and BabiesRThem, trying to stick to the bare necessities.  Washcloths, stroller, car seat, baby towels, changing pad, thermometer, grooming kit, thinking everything else I can thrift or borrow and good grief, new stuff is expensive! And the last thing that I want is to create this big huge list of expensive stuff for a little baby who will use it for a maximum of a year when I can buy gently used items for a tenth of the cost.
And then J got a call from his mum: You don't have enough stuff on the registry.
What do you say to that? I'm sorry, but I don't need your generosity because I'm a self sufficient proud woman who can make due with what she's got? Or, the slightly more humble version: Oh, but we don't want to be a burden on anyone.  Or, I don't want to take advantage of the generosity of my friends and family members by expecting to receive anything.  All of which are truly what ran through my head and what I have been wrestling with the last two days.
The problem with registries is that it can easily turn me into a greedy gimme pig.  And I don't want to be.  I want to be grateful for and content with what I have.  I want people to have the freedom to not buy the baby anything, or buy things that don't come from a predetermined list.
After much angst, J took me aside and said something to the affect of: Creating a registry doesn't mean you're forcing anyone to purchase anything from it and many people find registries helpful.  He also reminded me that this is how his family blesses others and that we don't have to register for super expensive things and that yes we will be grateful for what we receive and not expect to receive anything.
I was caught in a place between my pride and others generosity. I wanted to provide for my baby myself, and only rely on others for a few things. And rather than letting me have my own way only to realize, struggling, how much help I actually need, God gently taught me this by blessing me with abundance, with generous hearts of those around me. For "What do you have that you have not received?" (1 Corinthians 4:7) Nothing. Everything is a gift, a perfectly ordained gift from the hand of my Lavish Father.
And I am so grateful.
I am grateful for how God exposed my sin of self sufficiency and for how He taught me thankfulness.
Today, I am thankful for:
My Baby, kicking up a storm
My blood parents and my love parents, for their giving hearts
My husband, for how he gently leads me
My God, who always knows and always acts for my good.
Oh, how He loves me, oh, oh, how He loves me, how He loves me, oh.

Closets and Organizing and Piles Oh My!

Tuesday, I took the day off for a super long 20 week check up.  The afternoon I spent tackling a project that had been messing me up for a while: the closets.  Our little house has one master closet, two bedroom closets, a linen closet, a hall closet, and a utility closet.  J took the closet in the office and reorganized it into bins of my crafting supplies and his paperwork.  The hall closet is being used for long-term food storage (ie: the Hurricane/Ice Storm/Zombie Apocalypse of DOOM is upon us food storage) and is packed to the gills.  The Master closet I cleaned out and organized back over Christmas Break when I was no longer feeling icky-sicky.  And the utility closet will be perfectly organized once my beloved husband moves his mountain of hand tools off the floor.  Which he promises to do.  Any day now.  ............................. any.......day........now...................
This leaves the Linen closet and the closet in the Nursery.
Now, the Nursery has been also the Guest room, the Staging room, the Dumping room, the Guests-are-arriving-in-5-minutes-just-put-it-there-! Room, and its closet completely reflects this sorry state of affairs.  There are boxes that I threw in there from when we moved in. Three years ago.  I know, sad, right? But I didn't have the wherewithal to tackle that closet just yet so I went after the linen closet.
8 pillows, 16 bath towels, 3 bath sheets, 6 hand towels, 10 washcloths, 3 queen sized sheet sets, 1 twin sized sheet set, 8 pillowcases, two duvet covers, 6 shams, 4 curtains, a bin of rags, 5 tubes of wrapping paper, one bag of throw pillows, and one sleeping bag later, we have this:

And I have a closet with room in it.  Yay!
It didn't take so much space as I thought and actually went a lot faster than I was expecting.  Really, the longest part was deciding which shelf to put towels on and which shelf the sheets should go on.  I think I even have room for my box of yarn at the bottom.
Which leads me to the Nursery closet.  This contained Pyrex baking ware, yarn, cloth, picture frames, leftover flooring, curtain rods, the empty boxes my vases and other breakable moved here in, old notebooks from high school and college, some smaller art supplies, and a fondue set.  I would like to know how all this accumulates in one closet.  Is there a random-things-in-closets fairy that runs around mucking up organized domesticity? Or is it my penchant for I'll-deal-with-it-later-itis that leads me to start projects and not finish them.  Speaking of, I did get all that stuff out of the Nursery closet, but finding a home for it all is proving a bit of a challenge.  I kinda lost the urge to find homes for what's left.  So here's the nice empty closet:

And here's what's left:

I think a lot can go in the attic or out in the storage shed.  And I do know what to do with my teacups. And that box of baby decor is going to go up once I 1) clean up this mess and 2) get the furniture moved in here.  So I guess I do know what to do with it all.  It's just getting myself to do it.  Maybe Saturday.
Until then, I will revel in my cleaned linen closet and dream of a tidy little nursery.