It's been almost five months since I last blogged. An update is in order: J and I are going to have a baby, God willing, sometime next summer. And with this joyous revelation has come a whole new level of fear, a whole new opportunity to lean into God.
Especially yesterday.
I woke up, used the toilet and found blood; it was bright red and frightening. I was in shock at first, unable to even process the thought that my little baby could be dead. I pretty much collapsed against J, sobbing and shaking and slowly grasping the fact that I was miscarrying and all the joy and hope and life I had growing inside of me was gone. J called my mom and his mom and my friend Jamie (a prenatal nurse), and we moved to the living room to try and make sense of it all.
But how do you make sense of the thought that the God who gave us this miracle could, would, take him from us? How do you hold fast to the Sovereign and the Good and believe that neither wavers or changes or lessens all while life bleeds out of you? How do you have faith when your fears whisper "It's your fault, your sin, your doing or lack of doing"?
I was torn between two prayers, each as different as night from day: God, save my baby. God, prepare me to let him go. Faith and fear. And both so overwhelming all I could do was sob and pray and wait for some direction. And when it came, it came in a scripture and in a song.
"In hope [Abraham] hoped against hope, that he should become the father of many nations...fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised." (Rom 4:18,21)
"So take me to the Mountain, I will follow where You lead, and here I'll lay the body of the boy You gave to me. And even if You take him, still I ever will obey, but Maker of this Mountain, please make another way." (Andrew Peterson)
So I began to pray for a miracle, that God would make another way, that He would heal me and protect my baby. Mom and dad and my sister came and we wept and prayed more. And Bekah echoed the story of Abraham to me, unknowingly confirming the word I had received before. And we prayed.
And God heard. And God healed.
The blood flow dried from bright red to dark brown to pale brown. I had no pain or cramping or nausea. And as far as we can tell, it was only a burst blood vessel, and the baby is fine. I've spent the weekend resting and I call my doctor tomorrow. But for now, for now, everything is ok.
Which leaves the question: why? I have no certainties, but a few conclusions. 1) To help me recognize, as my dear friend Abby said, that this baby is God's, not mine, and I will have him not one second longer than the Lord wills. 2) To remind me again the power of prayer. Because I am fully convinced that I was in the process of a miscarriage and God listened to prayers of family and friends and healed me. 3) To help me, like Abraham, see the God who provides. Faith in my fear. Direction in my confusion. Healing in my sickness. Comfort in my pain.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Deuteronomy 1:29-31
"Then I said to you, 'Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The LORD your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the LORD your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.'"
Faith versus fear is one of the dominating struggles of the Christian life. Do I believe this promise of God to get me through? Or do I fear my circumstances and follow my own feet? Doubt and disobedience go hand in hand, it seems. And all the book of Deuteronomy is one long litany of fighting for faith in God and God's way, over doing it my way.
What is Moses's solution? Look back to all that God has already done for you and trust that He will keep on doing that. John Piper explains that it's using the past evidences of grace to file our fight ti trust in future grace. Fighting this enemy is no different than fighting that past one. Obeying this law will have the same effect as obeying that one. But oh how inclined my heart is to say "But this is NEW! God doesn't know how to handle this situation! I can't trust Him here!" oh foolish heart! "You have seen how the Lord your God has carried you" trust Him.
Faith versus fear is one of the dominating struggles of the Christian life. Do I believe this promise of God to get me through? Or do I fear my circumstances and follow my own feet? Doubt and disobedience go hand in hand, it seems. And all the book of Deuteronomy is one long litany of fighting for faith in God and God's way, over doing it my way.
What is Moses's solution? Look back to all that God has already done for you and trust that He will keep on doing that. John Piper explains that it's using the past evidences of grace to file our fight ti trust in future grace. Fighting this enemy is no different than fighting that past one. Obeying this law will have the same effect as obeying that one. But oh how inclined my heart is to say "But this is NEW! God doesn't know how to handle this situation! I can't trust Him here!" oh foolish heart! "You have seen how the Lord your God has carried you" trust Him.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Isaiah 66:24
"Before they call, I will answer and while they are still speaking, I will hear."
God's response to Israel's plea for mercy comes in three parts:
1) Why Israel should not expect Mercy.
God lays out how time and again, Israel spurned relationship with God. He calls, they refuse to answer. They go whoring after other gods and polite His dwelling place with sin. God will judge, He will repay, and Israel deserves His wrath.
2) Portions
But, God divides this retribution into two groups: those who sought and those who forsook. Those who sought, are God's chosen, the remnant of believers. Those who forsook are the ones who will be destroyed. They refused the call to salvation and refused to listen to God, so now God refuses their cry for mercy and gives to them what they deserve.
3) Inheritance
But to the chosen, through no merit of their own, simply that God chose them for salvation and they believed, God gives an inheritance. It is filled with Joy (v.18-19 ) Life (v.20) Prosperity (v.21) Possession (v.22) Peace (v.23) and relationship with God.
God answers cries for mercy with the Gospel. "You do not deserve my mercy because of your sin. But because I have called you and because you are mine, I will not deal with you as your sins deserve, instead, I will pour out on you abundant blessing and give you an inheritance that befits my Son and I will form such a deep relationship with you that I will answer before you even know what to ask."
What Mercy!
God's response to Israel's plea for mercy comes in three parts:
1) Why Israel should not expect Mercy.
God lays out how time and again, Israel spurned relationship with God. He calls, they refuse to answer. They go whoring after other gods and polite His dwelling place with sin. God will judge, He will repay, and Israel deserves His wrath.
2) Portions
But, God divides this retribution into two groups: those who sought and those who forsook. Those who sought, are God's chosen, the remnant of believers. Those who forsook are the ones who will be destroyed. They refused the call to salvation and refused to listen to God, so now God refuses their cry for mercy and gives to them what they deserve.
3) Inheritance
But to the chosen, through no merit of their own, simply that God chose them for salvation and they believed, God gives an inheritance. It is filled with Joy (v.18-19 ) Life (v.20) Prosperity (v.21) Possession (v.22) Peace (v.23) and relationship with God.
God answers cries for mercy with the Gospel. "You do not deserve my mercy because of your sin. But because I have called you and because you are mine, I will not deal with you as your sins deserve, instead, I will pour out on you abundant blessing and give you an inheritance that befits my Son and I will form such a deep relationship with you that I will answer before you even know what to ask."
What Mercy!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Well, Hello Summer
Welcome back.
Welcome back pools.
Welcome back tan lines and Corona and barbecue and beach trips.
Welcome back hot sun and warm breezes and shade trees and lemonade stands.
Welcome back to Popsicles, Gin and Tonics, hot dogs, baseball games, camp outs, s'mores, and wildflowers.
Welcome back, Summer, we missed you.
Welcome back pools.
Welcome back tan lines and Corona and barbecue and beach trips.
Welcome back hot sun and warm breezes and shade trees and lemonade stands.
Welcome back to Popsicles, Gin and Tonics, hot dogs, baseball games, camp outs, s'mores, and wildflowers.
Welcome back, Summer, we missed you.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
A quiet Saturday
One of my dearest oldest weirdest goofiest friends got married yesterday. The wedding was great. The food was great. The couple were great. The ceremony was great. The music was great. The drive home was very much not great.
We ended up sleeping on camping mats in mum's living room.
I woke up not as sore as I thought I was going to be and it was a blessing to only drive half an hour instead of a hour fifteen to get to bed. So we awake and J decides to go with my brother to get landscaping timber for our front yard.
They were sold out. >{
But we got bricks instead and I thin I'll end up liking them more. So I worked in my garden a bit (lost a squash and cucumber plant but BOY are we gonna have beans! O.O ) and am blogging a bit before tackling the dirty dishes.
But my main project is the wall clock. Which, I hope to show later. :D
We ended up sleeping on camping mats in mum's living room.
I woke up not as sore as I thought I was going to be and it was a blessing to only drive half an hour instead of a hour fifteen to get to bed. So we awake and J decides to go with my brother to get landscaping timber for our front yard.
They were sold out. >{
But we got bricks instead and I thin I'll end up liking them more. So I worked in my garden a bit (lost a squash and cucumber plant but BOY are we gonna have beans! O.O ) and am blogging a bit before tackling the dirty dishes.
But my main project is the wall clock. Which, I hope to show later. :D
Friday, May 25, 2012
Isaiah 64:5-9
"You meet him who joyfully works righteousness, those who remember you in your ways. Behold, you were angry, and we sinned; in our sins we have been a long time, and shall we be saved? We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. There is no one who calls upon your name, who rouses himself to take hold of you; for you have hidden your face from us, and have made us melt in the hand of our iniquities. But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. Be not so terribly angry, O LORD, and remember not iniquity forever. Behold, please look, we are all your people."
There are many times in my life when I have slid down into a besetting sin: lust, anger, pride, bitterness; and I sin willfully, though with an ever growing sense of dread.
God sees.
God sees my sin and He hates my sin and He kindly sends me trials to drive me away from my sin. So there comes a kind of turning point where the dread becomes conviction and I know I must seek forgiveness, but with that comes a new fear: will He forgive? AGAIN?
I so very sympathize with Isaiah's cry in verse 5: "Lord, I have been in my sin a long long time. How can you save me? How am I deserving of this forgiveness again, in this same area that I sinned last time? How have I not exhausted your grace? Will I face your wrath this time?" And the fear keeps me from God more surely than my sin did. But Isaiah continues, explaining in grave detail all the deep sins that Israel has committed and then in verse 8 cries for mercy: "Lord, you rescued us once, and you are ever sovereign in your works. We are your works. Please don't be angry, have mercy on your people" and verse 12 "Will you stay so terribly silent? Wont you have mercy on us?"
And then there is an awful silence as Israel waits for God's judgement.
There are many times in my life when I have slid down into a besetting sin: lust, anger, pride, bitterness; and I sin willfully, though with an ever growing sense of dread.
God sees.
God sees my sin and He hates my sin and He kindly sends me trials to drive me away from my sin. So there comes a kind of turning point where the dread becomes conviction and I know I must seek forgiveness, but with that comes a new fear: will He forgive? AGAIN?
I so very sympathize with Isaiah's cry in verse 5: "Lord, I have been in my sin a long long time. How can you save me? How am I deserving of this forgiveness again, in this same area that I sinned last time? How have I not exhausted your grace? Will I face your wrath this time?" And the fear keeps me from God more surely than my sin did. But Isaiah continues, explaining in grave detail all the deep sins that Israel has committed and then in verse 8 cries for mercy: "Lord, you rescued us once, and you are ever sovereign in your works. We are your works. Please don't be angry, have mercy on your people" and verse 12 "Will you stay so terribly silent? Wont you have mercy on us?"
And then there is an awful silence as Israel waits for God's judgement.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Isaiah 61:1
"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound."
How is it that God's promised light goes out to the nations? By preaching. In Acts 2, we see the Spirit of the Lord falling on the first church and instantly they start preaching the Gospel. The Holy Spirit is given for comfort, for building up, for instruction, and for proclaiming Jesus! If we are alive in Christ we must proclaim Him in His own Power, the Holy Spirit.
Here is our job description as preachers: give good news, bind up, proclaim Liberty, open prisons, tell of Gods favor and His vengeance, and turn mourners into dancers that God might be glorified. Who is adequate for these things? No one, no one but God Himself. So the Lord sends Himself to accomplish His mission through us. This is the work of the Holy Spirit: to turn meek and frightened believers into bold and gentle heralds of the Kingdom.
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness..." (v. 10)
How is it that God's promised light goes out to the nations? By preaching. In Acts 2, we see the Spirit of the Lord falling on the first church and instantly they start preaching the Gospel. The Holy Spirit is given for comfort, for building up, for instruction, and for proclaiming Jesus! If we are alive in Christ we must proclaim Him in His own Power, the Holy Spirit.
Here is our job description as preachers: give good news, bind up, proclaim Liberty, open prisons, tell of Gods favor and His vengeance, and turn mourners into dancers that God might be glorified. Who is adequate for these things? No one, no one but God Himself. So the Lord sends Himself to accomplish His mission through us. This is the work of the Holy Spirit: to turn meek and frightened believers into bold and gentle heralds of the Kingdom.
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness..." (v. 10)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Isaiah 60:1-3
"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you. For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples; but the LORD will arise upon you, and his glory will be seen upon you. And nations shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising. "
Isaiah 60 recounts the goodness that is coming to Israel because of the salvation God is about to work. Isaiah speaks in terms of light and darkness. Israel was in darkness, just as lost as the rest of the world, but behold! light is coming. The messiah is here! Rise up, you chosen people, your God has come to save you. And more than that, he will set you up as a beacon of light that will draw nations and kings and all peoples to you.
But more than that, for as the redeemed are drawn into the light of the Gospel, the gospel goes out into the darkness and banishes it forever. So that the culmination of the chapter is this beautiful promise:
"Your sun shall no more go down, nor your moon withdraw itself; for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall be ended. "
This is our glorious hope and the reason that we preach the gospel. Nothing is going to stop the light of the good news of Jesus Christ until all darkness of sin is banished and all eyes see the Glory of God. So preach! Take the gospel to the street corners and the school yards and grocery lines and little league meets. Nothing will stop Gods light from going forth an it will reach a full culmination.
O church, arise and put your armor on;
Hear the call of Christ our captain;
For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given.
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We’ll stand against the devil’s lies;
An army bold whose battle cry is “Love!”
Reaching out to those in darkness.
~K. Getty & S. Townend
Isaiah 60 recounts the goodness that is coming to Israel because of the salvation God is about to work. Isaiah speaks in terms of light and darkness. Israel was in darkness, just as lost as the rest of the world, but behold! light is coming. The messiah is here! Rise up, you chosen people, your God has come to save you. And more than that, he will set you up as a beacon of light that will draw nations and kings and all peoples to you.
But more than that, for as the redeemed are drawn into the light of the Gospel, the gospel goes out into the darkness and banishes it forever. So that the culmination of the chapter is this beautiful promise:
"Your sun shall no more go down, nor your moon withdraw itself; for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall be ended. "
This is our glorious hope and the reason that we preach the gospel. Nothing is going to stop the light of the good news of Jesus Christ until all darkness of sin is banished and all eyes see the Glory of God. So preach! Take the gospel to the street corners and the school yards and grocery lines and little league meets. Nothing will stop Gods light from going forth an it will reach a full culmination.
O church, arise and put your armor on;
Hear the call of Christ our captain;
For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given.
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We’ll stand against the devil’s lies;
An army bold whose battle cry is “Love!”
Reaching out to those in darkness.
~K. Getty & S. Townend
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Reboot
I've decided to restart this blogging thing after a long long long hiatus (8 months?!?!?!) with the intention of making it a means of reflecting on my scripture reading. After talking with Abby this morning, I realized how little I have been reading Gods word, neglecting my source of strength and hope. This is stupid.
So I'm going to try combining my bible study with my blogging to 1) reflect on what the Lord is teaching me and 2) get back into the habit of this blog.
We'll see how this goes but for now, I'm in reboot mode.
Along with this, I'm starting a new category for my blog called "One Thing". I want this to be a collection of posts about the Lord so I can go back to these when I am weak and shaky and not have to sort through recipes and star trek.
But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but ONE THING is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." ~ Luke 10:41-42
Oh Lord, help me to choose the good portion over the many distractions of this world.
So I'm going to try combining my bible study with my blogging to 1) reflect on what the Lord is teaching me and 2) get back into the habit of this blog.
We'll see how this goes but for now, I'm in reboot mode.
Along with this, I'm starting a new category for my blog called "One Thing". I want this to be a collection of posts about the Lord so I can go back to these when I am weak and shaky and not have to sort through recipes and star trek.
But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but ONE THING is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." ~ Luke 10:41-42
Oh Lord, help me to choose the good portion over the many distractions of this world.
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