Be a Doer Who Acts!

James1:19-27

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. 

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing. 

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

All of last week, I did my lessons on the book of James, on the truth that God uses adversity to make us dig into Christ, with the result being that we become like him.  And all of last week, I was going through a trial of struggling to feed my little boy.  S had decided that he wanted to eat with bottles, not nurse as he had been, and I was fighting him to feed him my way, not his way.  Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday we made progress to the point that Sunday he nursed well all day with little to no fussing afterward. Then, that evening, J and I left him with my mum so we could go to a Chris Tomlin concert.  Mum gave S got a bottle, as per my instructions, and all my hard work came crashing down.  Yesterday and today were battles with my little boy, trying to get him to eat what is best for him, not what is easy for him. And it all culminated in my crying On the couch in frustration, calling my husband and mum in angry tears, complaining of my furiousness at S and my despair at ever being able to nurse him ever again.  

And when I finally snagged a moment to catch up on She Reads Truth, here comes dear brother James. "[Be] slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires. Therefore put away all filthiness [...] and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.  But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, [...] But the one who looks into the perfect law, [...] and perseveres, [...] he will be blessed in his doing. If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless." 

Did my anger produce any fruit in my son or my self? No, my anger produced more anger, frustration, rage and then guilt that I was angry at a three month old little boy who does not know better,  

Did I receive God's word with meekness? No, my heart was filled with the pride that I knew what was best, that trials should not last this long, that I had already learned this, God, why am I still having to fight this war? 

Was I a doer of the word I had been studying? No, my faith was not reaching towards God in his promises.  My faith was in myself, my strength, my ideas, and my will to power over my son.

Had I bridled my tongue? No, no, no.  My tongue was running on an anger fueled, rage induced, streak of madness; yelling at my husband, bitter at my mum, furious at my child, and not doing anything. 

I read these verses and my heart grew heavy with conviction.  S needed a patient mommy to help him learn and I was being anything but.  

Lord,

Please help me to bridle my tongue, to act on the promises of your word, and to put away my anger and frustration.  Let me receive with meekness your imparted gospel, which is able to save my soul.  

Potpourri

As a kid, my favorite category on Jeopardy was always Potpourri.  It was the stick-all-the-random-questions-here category, the junk drawer of Jeopardy, and it was inevitably the hardest category because the questions could range from cookies to cowboys to chemistry.  It was fun.  It was random.  It was a general collection of useless information.  And for someone who generally collects useless information, it was always my favorite. 

Think of this blog post as the potpourri of the last few days.  We're gonna go through some random stuff...

1) Today I have been pregnant for six months.  I am not as huge as I thought I could be at this point.  But my pants are getting uncomfortable and my shirts need to be longer.  So not quite tiny, but not quite huge.  Pretty good, size wise. 
2) Baby R is a KICKER!!!  If my waistband is too tight: kickkickkick.  If I'm leaning forward for too long: kickkickkick.  If I roll over to a different position at night: kickkickkick.  If I balance ANYTHING on my tummy: KICKKICKKICK. And ESPECIALLY when I have a full bladder and am on the phone at work and there's no possible way I'm getting to the bathroom anytime soon, kickkickkickkickkickkickkickkick.  If I don't see soccer scholarships in about 18 years, there will be retribution, is all I'm sayin'.
3) I realized that, because the baby is growing, I needed to increase my calcium intake and should probably be getting more fruit and vegetables in my diet.  I didn't help that Kroger had strawberries on sale 2 packs for $4.  Bright fresh sweet summer fruit in the middle of gloomy rainy windy February/March?  Yes and please
4) Thanks to Goldberry's Seven Day Smoothie Challenge Blog Post Series, I started drinking smoothies with lunch at work.  I did this instead of at breakfast for two reasons: 1) I need my morning coffee and having two drinks for breakfast would just not work and 2) it keeps me fuller longer if I have a smoothie in the middle of the day. 
5) Strawberry Banana Smoothies are delicious.  If pink could have a flavor, it would be strawberrybanana.  Yum.
6) I now own a green tumbler from the WalMarts.  Isn't it pretty?

7) I also bought a small electric heating pad for my back because six-month-old Baby R is giving me back pain and sciatica.  The little dear.
8) Sciatica is NO FUN and I really am empathizing with all the people who have to suffer with it daily, rather than it being brought on and limited to the duration of a pregnancy.
9)  I ordered some fabric from Fabric.com and am super pleased with how quick and easy it was to order from them. And their prices are fabu!  So so so so much cheaper than Jo-Anns (even with coupons) and by combining orders for three different projects, I got free shipping.  Awesomesauce
10) Those projects are:

This Maxi Skirt

Some form of this A-Line Skirt

A cover for our entry way bench modeled after the above (just no bunnies)
11) I have no idea when I'm going to find time to do these projects, but hopefully long before the baby arrives because I really want to wear those skirts and they would be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo comfy as maternity skirts.
12) J and I are going to plant blueberry bushes this weekend. 
13) We are also celebrating my Grandma Dot's 87th Birthday.

Isn't she the cutest grandma ever?
Happy Birthday Grandma!
And on that note, we shall end Potpourri. 

Registering for a Thankful Heart

A long time ago (beginning of January) in a galaxy far, far away.........in a place called my In-Laws House, my wonderful, kind, sweet, could-not-ask-for-a-better-one Mother-in-law, K, asked how my baby registry was going.
Insert theme from Psycho here
Baby registry? As in baby STUFF?!? As in, OHEMGEE IM GONNA BE A MOMMY AND ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW ARE SIX PAIRS OF BABY SOCKS AND A STAR TREK BABY SPOON!!!!!!  This led to me furiously reading countless blogs to try and figure out what, out of the myriad of baby things, I needed for Baby R.  And then I pretty much panicked and went into denial.
Oh a registry? Yes, I suppose that is a good thing....and I'll get around to it..................sometime before June.  I hope.
Fast forward to mid February, me getting horribly throwyuppy sick, staying home and flat on my back for nearly 48 hours and getting cabin fever.  J suggested we at least go out to get one of those big fluffy body pillows (best invention since the mattress) and, since we were out, let's at least look at some baby stuff.  So we went to this store called Buy Buy Baby, which is essentially Bed, Bath, & Beyond, for babies.  The store is laid out exactly the same.  Some of the items are the same.  It was weird and strange and wonderful all at once.  But because it was not located all that centrally or conveniently to, like, anybody, we didn't register there.  But we did look.  And, me oh my, is there a lot of baby crap.  Oy vey!
Since then, I have been cobbling together two registries at Tarjhay and BabiesRThem, trying to stick to the bare necessities.  Washcloths, stroller, car seat, baby towels, changing pad, thermometer, grooming kit, thinking everything else I can thrift or borrow and good grief, new stuff is expensive! And the last thing that I want is to create this big huge list of expensive stuff for a little baby who will use it for a maximum of a year when I can buy gently used items for a tenth of the cost.
And then J got a call from his mum: You don't have enough stuff on the registry.
What do you say to that? I'm sorry, but I don't need your generosity because I'm a self sufficient proud woman who can make due with what she's got? Or, the slightly more humble version: Oh, but we don't want to be a burden on anyone.  Or, I don't want to take advantage of the generosity of my friends and family members by expecting to receive anything.  All of which are truly what ran through my head and what I have been wrestling with the last two days.
The problem with registries is that it can easily turn me into a greedy gimme pig.  And I don't want to be.  I want to be grateful for and content with what I have.  I want people to have the freedom to not buy the baby anything, or buy things that don't come from a predetermined list.
After much angst, J took me aside and said something to the affect of: Creating a registry doesn't mean you're forcing anyone to purchase anything from it and many people find registries helpful.  He also reminded me that this is how his family blesses others and that we don't have to register for super expensive things and that yes we will be grateful for what we receive and not expect to receive anything.
I was caught in a place between my pride and others generosity. I wanted to provide for my baby myself, and only rely on others for a few things. And rather than letting me have my own way only to realize, struggling, how much help I actually need, God gently taught me this by blessing me with abundance, with generous hearts of those around me. For "What do you have that you have not received?" (1 Corinthians 4:7) Nothing. Everything is a gift, a perfectly ordained gift from the hand of my Lavish Father.
And I am so grateful.
I am grateful for how God exposed my sin of self sufficiency and for how He taught me thankfulness.
Today, I am thankful for:
My Baby, kicking up a storm
My blood parents and my love parents, for their giving hearts
My husband, for how he gently leads me
My God, who always knows and always acts for my good.
Oh, how He loves me, oh, oh, how He loves me, how He loves me, oh.

20 weeks

So J and I went for my 20 week appt yesterday.  Short story: baby's fine, I'm fine, life is good and wonderful and amazing.
Long story: ultrasounds are probably the coolest thing on the planet.
We go in and the tech, Deana, starts to wand my stomach and there is my little baby, all curled up and wonderful looking.  (We're not finding out the gender, so the "he" I use for the duration of all posts is generic and not to be interpreted as being anything).  Little head with a brain, little spine with ribs, little legs with shin bones, little chest with a heart and kidneys and diaphragm and stomach.  Everything so small and perfect looking, even though it was all grainy shades of grey and black, but still, there was my baby, alive and healthy and growing!
J, I think, had more fun watching Deana manipulate the machine.  But there were several points where he just started going "Wow" and I agree with him completely.  It was a wow moment.  It definitely gives a new meaning to: 
"You formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,    when as yet there was none of them." ~ Psalm 139: 13-16
Because there was my baby, being formed inside me, knitted together in a way that I do not understand.  But God does.  God knows.  God sees.  And God is growing a little miracle inside of me.  Definitely a WOW moment.  



We met with my OBGYN afterwards, asked a million and one questions, grabbed Panera for lunch, showed Mom baby pictures and called J's mom to update her. 
Afterwards, we went home, J went to work and I started organizing closets. Which is where I'll end this post and finish later. 

Faith&Fear&Abraham

It's been almost five months since I last blogged. An update is in order: J and I are going to have a baby, God willing, sometime next summer. And with this joyous revelation has come a whole new level of fear, a whole new opportunity to lean into God.

Especially yesterday.

I woke up, used the toilet and found blood; it was bright red and frightening. I was in shock at first, unable to even process the thought that my little baby could be dead. I pretty much collapsed against J, sobbing and shaking and slowly grasping the fact that I was miscarrying and all the joy and hope and life I had growing inside of me was gone. J called my mom and his mom and my friend Jamie (a prenatal nurse), and we moved to the living room to try and make sense of it all.

But how do you make sense of the thought that the God who gave us this miracle could, would, take him from us? How do you hold fast to the Sovereign and the Good and believe that neither wavers or changes or lessens all while life bleeds out of you? How do you have faith when your fears whisper "It's your fault, your sin, your doing or lack of doing"?

I was torn between two prayers, each as different as night from day: God, save my baby. God, prepare me to let him go. Faith and fear. And both so overwhelming all I could do was sob and pray and wait for some direction. And when it came, it came in a scripture and in a song.

"In hope [Abraham] hoped against hope, that he should become the father of many nations...fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised." (Rom 4:18,21)

"So take me to the Mountain, I will follow where You lead, and here I'll lay the body of the boy You gave to me. And even if You take him, still I ever will obey, but Maker of this Mountain, please make another way." (Andrew Peterson)

So I began to pray for a miracle, that God would make another way, that He would heal me and protect my baby. Mom and dad and my sister came and we wept and prayed more. And Bekah echoed the story of Abraham to me, unknowingly confirming the word I had received before. And we prayed.

And God heard. And God healed.

The blood flow dried from bright red to dark brown to pale brown. I had no pain or cramping or nausea. And as far as we can tell, it was only a burst blood vessel, and the baby is fine. I've spent the weekend resting and I call my doctor tomorrow. But for now, for now, everything is ok.

Which leaves the question: why? I have no certainties, but a few conclusions. 1) To help me recognize, as my dear friend Abby said, that this baby is God's, not mine, and I will have him not one second longer than the Lord wills. 2) To remind me again the power of prayer. Because I am fully convinced that I was in the process of a miscarriage and God listened to prayers of family and friends and healed me. 3) To help me, like Abraham, see the God who provides. Faith in my fear. Direction in my confusion. Healing in my sickness. Comfort in my pain.